The Art of Public Humiliation part 1: Elevators

Life can be so stale. People underestimate the amount of time they spend in various public places, and how even though you’re always interacting with different strangers, nothing unexpected or bizarre happens, which just makes life monotonous. I myself, am a certified professional at making an ass of myself. At first I never meant to and would feel ashamed and embarrassed because I’m naturally odd (as you may have guessed) and seem to be a catastrophe magnet. But when i noticed my ‘talent’ for crashing and burning in public (see Mad World for many, many examples!), I decided to start getting creative and that’s when the real fun began. In this series of posts I will be sharing some of my tried and tested techniques on public humiliation in various settings. Beware, your social ranking may fall to nil and there is always the chance of getting committed into an asylum, but it is soooooo liberating! From an alternative humanitarian point of view, you’re providing unexpected entertainment for others who are probably as bored as you are.

Remember, people are conditioned by social etiquette to politely endure the weirdest kinds of public behavior, so it’s fun to see how far you can push it.

Part 1: Elevators

Elevators are naturally comedic places. A bunch of strangers thrown into a cramped spot for a few minutes is quite a fertile ground for public humiliation; it’s definitely one of my favorites. If you’re like the rest of us and use an elevator frequently, then perhaps the next time, instead of just staring tensely at the floor counter, you can try some of the following to put some thrill into the trip up:

1. Invade Someone’s Space

This usually works best when it’s just you and another person on the way up. People are naturally very anal about their personal space, especially in small areas and among strangers. Notice that if there are two people in an elevator, one of them usually moves to the farthest corner possible, just because we’re psychologically built that way. So when you’re there with the other person, move over and stand as close to them as possible without touching. It is very important not to look at them or touch them at all, just stand close and be silent, this has the best effect. And if they move (which will happen), wait a second then go stand next to them again. Avoid eye contact and be oblivious to their existence.

2. Stand facing the wall

With everyone standing facing the door and probably staring up at the counter, go stand with your face very close to one of the walls so that your nose is practically touching it. Trust me, people will notice and some will freak out. Want to spice things up a big more? Facing a hard crowd with no reactions? Start dry humping the wall, as a dog would dry hump someones leg. Prepare to hear gasps.

3. Cry Violently

On the way up, after a few seconds of silence, start sobbing uncontrollably. Just think of something sad, start with gentle whines then work it up so that by the time people run out on their floor you are wailing like a brat and making quite a scene. (This one works best if performed by a guy, there are few things funnier than a grown man sobbing uncontrollably)

4. The Phone Call

Take out your cell phone and pretend to receive a call. Start talking normally in a voice that’s only loud enough for people to hear. Then start explaining to the invisible person on the other end how your doctors appointment about the infection went. Tell him the doctor wants to run more tests, that he said he has never seen an infection like that and it could be contagious. Make sure to repeat that the doctor “doesn’t know what it is”. Prepare for hell to break loose in the elevator.

5. Stare at someone like you’re retarded

Now this won’t work unless you do it right, if you’re just staring then you might get a slap in the face or a shot in the nads. You MUST stare like there’s something wrong with you. Head tilted down, eyes half open, mouth wide open, and if you could make some drool start to pour out then all the better. Stare at one person like this and don’t blink or move a muscle for the entire ride, with your drool making a nice little puddle on the floor.

6. The ‘Routine’

This is one of my favorites! Begin by acting totally normal, then start humming something, then singing softly, then louder…then break into a dance routine in the middle of the elevator! My own personal choice is usually ‘Freestyler’ because then i get to do the robot. Once again, it is very important to be oblivious of the other people, no matter how much they stare or say something to you, you’re just singing and performing your moves as if you were alone in your bedroom. Reactions may vary with this one though, one time i started doing it and the other two people unexpectedly started singing along with me and we actually became friends! So beware…

7. Slap yourself every 5 seconds

I’m serious, this one is awesome! The key to it’s impact is to act completely normal otherwise, but every five seconds you slap your own face hard. Others will be terrified, but won’t do anything because technically you’re not harming anyone. Just stare straight ahead and do it every five seconds. Dealing with a tough, unshakable crowd again? After every slap meow like a cat. So it’s 1,2,3,4 SLAP! Meooow…2,3,4 SLAP! Meooow…and so on…

8. Lie face down on the floor

If the elevator is relatively empty, then get in, stand for a second, then calmly place yourself face down on the floor and lie motionless. Make sure there are no women wearing dresses in the elevator or your actions may be misinterpreted and a beating would be coming, with you in a highly vulnerable position no less.

9. The Phone Call (part 2)

This time, not only will the call be imaginary, but also the phone. Ball one hand into a fist but stick out your thumb and pinky like a phone and move it up next to your ear. Start talking into it. And laugh loudly and frequently, because apparently you have some very humorous imaginary friends. Make sure to smile politely at anyone who looks at you.

10. One for the ARABS

Stand normally and watch the counter with everyone else. Every time it goes up one floor suddenly shout out “El HAMD ALLAH!!” , “RABINA YOSTOR!!” or “ALLAH AKBAR!!” with your hands outstretched. Remember, DO NOT do this if you’re not in a middle eastern country, otherwise there would be a big chance Secret Service agents would be waiting at your floor.

Well, that’s that. Go out and make me proud!

And if there’s anything you wanna add to this list, you know what to do…

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any beatings, lynchings, verbal abuse, ruined social life or lawsuits brought against you because of this.

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