Toilet Paper

I really am an unfortunate soul. I don’t know why these things always happen to me; my best explanation is that I must have been Hitler in my past life.

The whole way home today I felt something cooking down under. I unwittingly experimented with a street kebab vendor while out visiting a friend and the “food” (I use that term very loosely) wasn’t getting along with my stomach, actually, they were having a royal rumble in there. So I tried as best I could to take my mind off it by humming to the music as I got stuck in traffic jam after traffic jam.

FINALLY, I reached home, sprinted into the bathroom and my smile faded as I found that I was fresh out of toilet paper. I started frantically searching the entire apartment; no TP, no napkins, no kleenex, no extra towel I could forfeit. So there was nothing left to it. I ran to the market behind my building, bought a HUGE family size pack and ran back.

Let me first introduce this next scene. You see I, being the social alien I am, find it very hard to meet nice ladies. I don’t like going out and my neighbors are all convinced I’m insane (Frank tells me to just ignore them and that they’re jealous). So whenever the Gods send me something pretty, I jump at the chance.

SO…when I walk up to the elevators and find a complete knockout standing there, my mind immediately shifts to ‘cool guy mode’. I smile confidently as I walk up next to her. Then it hits me that I’m carrying a lifetime supply of toilet paper. I cannot stress this enough, but it is VERY hard to be smooth when you’re hugging 40 rolls of toilet paper to your chest. So needless to say she laughs and we have the most uncomfortable elevator ride in history. By the time I reached my floor I was already soaked in nervous sweat and the worst part is…I didn’t feel like pooping anymore.

God dammit…

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Discussion:

asoom said:

LOOOL, with this post you remind me so much of KJ, you have frank the imaginary pigeon he has moogle the imaginary bunny (I think it’s a bunny). He has a thing with odd articles and he likes south park (me too) and you both have similar humor that just cracks me up! Oh, and you both like to address malfunctions of the digestive system and other bathroom issues.

If you don’t know who I’m talking about check out http://jarofjuice.blogspot.com/
that’s his blog.

Home Cooking » Toilet Paper said:

[…] Moments of Clarity wrote an interesting post today on Toilet PaperHere’s a quick excerpt I really am an unfortunate soul. I don’t know why these things always happen to me; my best explanation is that I must have been Hitler in my past life. The whole way home today I felt something cooking down under. I unwittingly experimented with a street kebab vendor while […]

KJ said:

Hey there pigeon boy.

Asoom referred me to your blog. I have her slaving for me as my PR Manager. I gotta say I really liked your blog! Man it must have been incorrectably humiliating, hugging all those toilet papers whilst attempting to score.

I actually thought you were going to throw up (not poop). It would have been maddening if you did in fact throw up in the elevator! OMG.

admin said:

Thanks asoom for the reference, i checked out the site and it really IS awesome, KJ.

Incidentally I was JUST about to post an ad for Slave\PR Manager with previous experience in promoting toilet humor and have started accepting applications… (hint hint).

but my pigeon is not imaginary. =)

why the hell did ‘Home Cooking’ quote me on Toilet Paper??? The blogosphere works in mysterious ways…

asoom said:

thanks for the offer, I will consider it, KJ hasn’t exactly been the greatest to work under. Things were better at the beginning, now he takes me for granted and accuses of being resentful ;)

7aki Fadi said:

This is toooooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny. HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

Why have I not read your blog before? is it new?

:Scrolls up to see the archive:

It is new.

Have fun blogging.

Mazz said:

dude you should write a book!

La Gitana said:

Is it just me or are quirky guys clutching toilet paper in an elevator wonderfully endearing? heh.

I just found your blog and I gotta say, I’m in love! You remind me so much of me, it’s kind of scary. Awesome writing.

actualoqueuex said:

Hi, cool site, good writing ;)

RaiulBaztepo said:

Hello!
Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource!
PS: Sorry for my bad english, I’v just started to learn this language ;)
See you!
Your, Raiul Baztepo

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Hi !!!! ^_^
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And want to ask you: what was the reasson for you to start this blog?
Sorry for my bad english:)
Tnx!
Your Piter Kokoniz, from Latvia

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