5 Things I Wish My Dog Would Stop Doing

I love him to death and he’s a great companion in these lonely times…but there are just some things he does that drive me crazy. I don’t know whether he just doesn’t know better or he does it on purpose because i entertain him when i’m pissed off…but he does them anyway…

1. The Surprise Attack

What’s especially devastating about this is the surprise factor. No matter how many times it’s happened there is no way to expect sliding your foot into your shoes in the morning when you’re all half-asleep and groggy and suddenly feeling gross then getting hit by that horrible, horrible realization. He’s been potty trained for months, yet it is still his favorite ‘number 2′ spot…and he has surprisingly good accuracy; he gets the whole thing in every time and finds some way to tuck it away to the toes so I can’t see it.

2. The Sneaky Stinker

This used to be a rare occorence but he’s been overdoing it recently. I would be sitting at the computer typing away, deep in focus, and he would come running up all playful, sit next to me, let out an EPIC fart…then run away! I mean, if you’re gonna let one go at least share in my misery…

3. The Solemn Boner

At first, when he first got to ‘that stage’ he used to joyously hump every piece of hot furniture in the apartment and I never minded as long as he stayed away from my leg and my records. I never scolded him or anything because the way I see it; since i’m not doing my part in hooking him up with a sexy biatch then he might as well have a blast with the couch. BUT…lately he seems to be reaching that ‘humping furniture isn’t fun anymore’ phase that we all know, so whenever he gets aroused now he just stands next to me silently with this sad ass look on his face and a protruding appendage. And just stares. And stares. And stares.

4. I See Dead People

I’m far from the type who scares easily, I’m actually a huge horror fan and enjoy being alone rather than with people. But when it’s an especially spooky night and he suddenly starts playing games and reacting to invisible people in front of me…that just reaaaally freaks me out….

5. The-5-hours-too-early-incredibly-painful Wakeup Call

I have a huge bed and don’t mind if he wants to jump up and sleep by my feet whenever he gets lonely or cold in the middle of the night. But for the love of god…for the love of everything that is good and holy…does he have to land right on my nuts at 4 am EVERY TIME??? Owwwwww…….

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