My First Death
For a few seconds, and for the first time since I can remember…there was absolutely nothing. I can’t quite describe what nothingness feels like. Even during the deepest drug and alcohol induced sleep you’ve ever been in, there have been tiny subconscious parts of your brain ticking away, at the very least keeping your heart beating and your lungs breathing, if not creating bizarrely lucid dreams of you in a purple forest being spanked repeatedly by Angelina Jolie.
Even those little parts of me were absent in those few moments, when neither consciousness nor subconsciousness even existed, only a stagnant third person view of yourself in the frozen nothingness.
Then something blew into me, into my very essence, like a powerful wind and I was me again…sort of. My eyes jolted open and I took in the infinite vacuum of bright light surrounding everywhere, which surprisingly didn’t strain my eyes nor make me squint. I stared into the blank white distance for a while and then slowly began to examine myself. As much as I still knew who I was and had recollection of my life, I was no longer constrained by a physical host, but merely a hazy and transparent outline of my body. I had become weightless and timeless.
“What does this mean?” I pondered, my thoughts echoing all around, startling me, as if being broadcast out of giant hidden loudspeakers, “Could I be in heaven??” As soon as this question occurred to me I felt a sense of dread, the inevitability of a life lived in agnosticism, of not agreeing to live by the same religious dogma as everyone else. Then it hit me that perhaps this is my torture, to be isolated in this whiteness forever until I go mad…
“I shouldn’t have drunk all that beer!!!” blasted out around me, barely leaving the confines of my mind. Then I panicked and tried not to think anything else, for perhaps my escaping thoughts will give me away to he who judges. I remembered the parts of the Koran that said all your body parts would testify against you on the judgement day and suddenly became infinitely more worried, and before I could restrain myself the scenario played out in my mind, with my penis saying to the lord “God, you are NOT gonna believe the things he made me do!!! Ok, now do you want me to do this chronologically or in order of freakiness?…”
And before my imagination could proceed, I was interrupted by a sudden tear in the whiteness to my left. Suddenly I could hear my heartbeat again, softly at first then gradually increasing in volume until the quickening sound resonated all around me. A figure began to emerge from the tear, hazy and unrecognizable at first, and then solidifying as it floated towards me.
“Oh God, here it comes…” I thought as felt my body clench up with fear.
The figure approached until it stood inches away from me and just remained there, majestically floating and staring at me. It was an old man with a withered face and white flowing robe. At first my gaze was cast to the ground, ashamed and afraid to make eye contact with this holy being. But as we both floated there motionless, also engulfed in my loud echoing heartbeat, I started to slowly raise my head until I was looking face to face with him. We remained in this for a few moments until he gradually began to raise his right hand as my heartbeat quickened and even skipped every few beats. By now I was shaking uncontrollably with fear until his slowly raising hand came up to my level and he pointed his finger right at me, and that’s when my resonating heartbeat stopped all of a sudden. I cringed my face in preparation for pain and started to sob quietly. I prayed silently as he continued to point his finger at me, recollecting all the bits and pieces of verses from the holy books I had once learned.
Then he spoke.
“Pull my finger…” he said in a deep, steady tone. I unclenched my muscles and looked back up at him. After a few seconds I gathered the strength and asked “Excuse me?”
“Pull my finger…” he commanded once again.
I took a few seconds, decided it would be wise to obey and pulled his finger. So he farted.
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