Body Parts & Genital Psychology

No good can come of a title like this, i know…

But honestly now. How many of you take the time to really get to know your body? From my experience with women, you spend a big chunk of your lives looking in mirrors but ONLY when dressed, from what I know the sight of your own naked body just freaks you out and brings out thoughts like “I’m too faaaaaaat”, no matter how fine you may be. On the other hand, most guys are more comfortable with their body and even have names for various appendages (other than the obvious one) but still treat them like they’re strangers they are stuck with.

I feel like we are more focused on the outer world and don’t take the time to really get to know our own physicality (-is that even a word?)…which is a crime.

Because over the years I’ve realized that the most interesting characters I’ve ever met live on me. Take my left pinky, for example. It is a tad fatter than all the other fingers and ever so slightly crooked…and I feel like it KNOWS this, which leads to insecurity and harassments from the other fingers, who for some reason all have french accents. But not real french accents, they’re obviously just doing it on purpose to seem cultured and make the left pinky seem more left out. Kind of like when all the cool kids in class make up their own language like pig latin and use it in front of the fat kid to make fun of them. Yet they talk directly at the fat kid and point and laugh, which makes it all the worse….

*ahem*

I have a patch of ‘rebel hair’ on my head. At first I named it ‘che’ because I thought it was just one entity, but then i discovered that it was a whole bunch of irrational hairs that stuck together and never conceded to the tyrannical rule of my brush. So I had to bring in reinforcements…all that ‘ultra-super-crazy-glue’ kind of gel, but nothing worked, at least not completely. Because after applying and battling with the rebel hairs for a while, it would seem like they accepted their fate and lay down in defeat…only to jump back up triumphantly (usually in the middle of a date) screaming out “viva la resistance!!!” and make me look like Cameron Diaz in that scene from ‘Theres Something About Mary’. Sneaky rebel bastards…

I have mute nipples. Not because of some kind of genetic defect, but they just don’t want to speak. It’s like, they KNOW they’re completely useless. Why ARE they there? I mean, it’s not like I’m going to breastfeed a baby anytime soon and they don’t really provide any kind of sexual pleasure (I’ve tried, believe me). They know this and are unhappy with their own uselessness, so I just ignore them in return and we pretend the other doesn’t exist.

My ass is sort of an idiot. Always giggling about everything. Which can be annoying a lot (especially if I’m trying to sleep) but lovable all the same, kind of like having an obese friend who, even though you are a tad embarrassed to be seen with and they always attract a lot of attention, they are just so friendly and bubbly that you keep hanging out with them. At the end of the day, I would rather have a fun and bubbly body part than a retarded mute one (damn you, nipples).

Welcome to the genital portion of the post. If you tend to get offended easily and prefer good clean fun, then STOP READING HERE and I recommend THIS.

Now I, as most guys, have a bizarre and personal relationship with my penis. It’s strange to talk about the beginnings of it, because it was always there, kind of like your parents. But also as with parents, over the years the relationship has changed and many different feelings have taken place. Like during childhood it was just that thing I peed with. It was of no more importance than my ass (which incidentally at the time had just begun giggling so was technically more interesting). Then something strange happened one day in the fourth grade. I was sitting in class. The teacher was writing on the board some kind of basic math equation. When usually I would be staring out the window or doodling pictures of superheroes in a notebook, my eyes suddenly became drawn to her ass. Suddenly, it became the most interesting thing in the world to see the fabric of her skirt sliding up and down…

*ahem*

so anyway, suddenly a voice came out of the crotch region. “Hey!….Hey, down here!!…Duuuuuuuude, it’s great isn’t it?!…why don’t you go touch it??”

and THAT became my first introduction to the loud, obscene, vulgar and over-zealous dick of mine, who has a name but I am definitely not going to reveal it here. But as much as I was at first fascinated by my new friend, the first phase of the relationship turned into resentment, when every single time I get called on to go up to the front of the class he decides to stand upright and announce his completely irrational arousal.

Then during the teenage\high-school years he became an obsession, getting louder and more obnoxious every day. I remember one time I was reading an Archie comic and he jumps up and is like, “Boy, would I like to fuck Betty…”

Eventually the voice got quieter but still very much remains as one of my most outspoken members. The trouble with most guys is that the voice stays as loud as ever, and most decisions in their lives, whether they wish to admit it or not…are actually based on recommendations from their penis. (More on this in a different post!)

Now it wouldn’t be much of a crotch party with only my one-eyed monster, so it’s a good thing he has the dangling twins to keep him company. They may look alike, but they are TOTALLY different characters, man! One of them is a real intellectual, the snooty stuck-up kind. And the other is just a real nice, friendly, shy kind of testicle. They don’t get along, but thankfully it never escalates to a fight.

Umm….Okayyyy….it’s JUST hit me…that I’ve spent about an hour talking about my body part characters…so I’m gonna stop here…and hope you don’t stop reading my blog….

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