Why I Should Never Have Kids

Gather around boys and girls!

Are you nice and comfortable? Good. 

Because tonight I’m going to tell you a story…

It begins in a land far, far away. Farther than the farthest place you or I have ever seen or even dreamed. Beyond the whitest of clouds, beyond the forest of bright purple trees, beyond the floating lakes, beyond the dragons and elves and hobbits and princes and witches…lies a beautiful and magical kingdom. It is that place that exists in the few seconds before you go to sleep. This place is called Wonkledom. 

Oh, what an amazing place it is, boys and girls! Yet what makes it really amazing isn’t the talking trees. It isn’t the wobbly ground it sits on nor the colourful sky above it. No…it’s the little inhabitants of Wonkledom that make it so special. For the Wonks are no ordinary people like you or me or her or him…they are magical creatures with little heads, biiiiiig pointy ears, a tiny mid section and three little legs!

That’s right little timmy, kind of like a kangaroo, except a kangaroo actually has only two legs and a strong tail! 

But the Wonks actually have three legs, which enables them to hobble quickly all around the kingdom, building their little houses and singing merry songs. They are a kind and gentle people. Except they are ruled over by an evil wizard called Zytar, who treated them very, very badly! He would punish any Wonk he wished for no reason and with no mercy, and if any should object he would use his evil wizard powers to banish them from the kingdom. As if this was not enough, Zytar had ruthlessly announced that a new tax would be placed on the Wonks, and he who would not pay this huge sum would be killed….forever!  

But one day, a brave Wonk called Hershwin decided to do something about the evil Zytar. So one night, when all the other wonks and wonkettes were asleep and none of Zytars guards were about…he crept out of the kingdom to seek help. He travelled for months and months, over hills and mountains and deserts. Finally he reached a little house where, as the stories told, an old and wise priest lived. Many in the kingdom had talked of this wise man, and the magic he possessed which could, perhaps, rid them of the evil Zytar.  

But Hershwin approached cautiously, for very little was known about this mysterious priest, known simply as ‘Arayas’. He reached the big wooden door, perhaps ten times bigger than a wonk door back home, and…you know what happened then kids? Before he even knocked the door magically opened! 

Startled, he looked up to see a big white beard. He had never seen anything like this back home, for the little Wonks did not grow any facial hair! Hesitantly, he introduced himself and with a shaky voice he explained the Wonks situation and why he needed help. 

The big white beard then invited him into the house and disappeared into a room. When it emerged it brought with it a beautiful shiny sword, a sword it said would be the only thing that would defeat the black magic of Zytar. Hershwin took the sword, thanked the big white beard and started his journey back home to save the Wonks.

But on the long way back, he got pancreatic cancer and died.  

Did you enjoy that boys and girls? Then subscribe!