Sometimes ‘dead’ is better

A sudden explosion from above rocked the entire building, sending glass and debris flying in all directions. Obviously he had little time left.

As soon as things seemed stable again, detective Basil Fateen pulled himself up and continued upwards, unphased. He glanced nervously at his watch as he ran up the stairs while frantically trying to avoid small flames and debris. It was 11:50PM; he had only ten minutes to reach the eighth floor, where the superbomb was ticking away to the apocalypse.

If you had told Basil two months ago, when he was in the grips of a harrowing depression and about to commit suicide, that he’d soon be in a building in El Tahrir square trying to prevent the end of the world, he would have laughed so hard that it might have given him a reason to live.

But fate would have it that he would not take his own life, for duty called at the opportune moment; the opportune moment being him standing atop a chair about to put his head through a noose. Oddly enough, as he was making his final preparations he blankly put his cellphone in his trouser pocket, for had it been left off or simply far away the call from headquarters informing him of the devastating situation that only he could stop…might not have come through.

But Basil was a true professional.

He put his suicide on a ‘todo list’ and went about his supercop ways to save the world.

150 nameless henchmen and two evil masterminds dead later…he was trying hard to ignore the soaring pains in his legs as he bravely leaped up flights of stairs. Had he known that he’d ever be in this situation he might’ve worked out more. And perhaps quit smoking. As he struggled to continue he couldn’t help but think to himself that this would make a great ‘quit smoking’ ad: a man about save the world is unable to reach the bomb in time…because he is a smoker and totally out of breath…

Yet just like Olympic athletes in the final round, a force greater than stamina made him continue despite the pain.

He flung open the eighth floor door and fell to his knees, gasping. He wiped the layer of dust and sweat that had gathered on his watch and checked the time. 6 minutes left.

After looking around for a while he found himself standing at the foot of the giant timebomb with 5 minutes left. There was a giant timer counting down in the center, which was exactly the same time as Basil had on his watch (apparently the makers of the bomb also set their time by the clock on channel one). Under the giant timer was a big red button that said ‘abort’ in Arabic.

Basil extended his arm, then paused and retracted it. Why would evil lunatic masterminds planning for apocalypse put an ‘abort’ button on their doomsday device? Were they neurotic? Had they perhaps assumed that they might back out on the idea at some point? Or was it a precautionary function in case the timer malfunctioned and would blow the world up at a time different to that they had planned??

Or was it simply a decoy that would make it go off immediately in case a supercop like him reached it in time??!

4 minutes left.

After quick deliberation he decided that he had no other options anyway, so he might as well push the button. He extended his arm…then, to his own surprise, found himself once again retracting it!

What was makng him not push the button?? Though it would seem like a ‘no brainer’ to anyone else on the planet…at that moment Basil had all the reasons in the world not to push the button. His collasped relationships with everyone he loves, all those people that stabbed him in the back and hurt him, his existence that seemed only pointless until now.

Perhaps his importance might not have been in saving the world…but in having the wisdom to know it should end…

3 minutes left.

His thoughts became flooded until he couldn’t even see the bomb in front of him. The sickness he felt two months ago for the entire human race, including himself, suddenly returned with a vengeance. Inevitable death. War. Injustice. Capitalism. Conspiracy. Ignorance. Delusion. Mass Hysteria.

When a destructive virus is aware of its own hideous nature…the only good thing it can do is to end its own existence…right?

2 minutes left.

The fact that the human race is one big designer clothes wearing, mind-numbing television watching, so called ‘God’ fearing, planet destroying, self destructive, selfish, hateful, stupid layer of mucous on the planet…and almost no one can overlook their egos to see this…

1 minute left.

Anyone…anyone in their right mind would choose death over life if they are aware of the real truths of life…those devastating truths that make everything you’ve ever dreamed, everything you’ve ever loved, everything you’ve ever believed in…completely meaningless and irrelevant. It is the only real choice you have.

40 seconds left.

No one even knows he’s there, risking his life to save them as they buy their quarter pounders with cheese, fill up their gas tanks, add another facebook status message and continue fucking themselves and fucking each other over.

20 seconds left.

Or is it not his choice to make, he wonders, and extends his arm again. But there must be some reason why he is there and not someone else, someone who would have pushed the abort button over five minutes ago and already be on the news as a hero! There MUST BE!

10 Seconds left.

Oh but all that god damn effort, killing all those henchmen…was it all for nothing? Should he have just not answered the phone, had nothing to do with it and just put his head through that noose?

5 seconds left.

And what if there IS a God?? Will he be responsible for the billions of lives? And how exactly does that translate, hell and punishment wise?

3 seconds left.

But in his heart this is for the good, this is what any smart person would do. This just…feels right.

1 second left.

Basil pulled his arm back and closed his eyes. Fuck it.

BOOM.

The moral of this story: Never send a suicidal Egyptian called Basil to prevent the end of the world.

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