The night before the job interview I slept uncomfortably. Tonight, however, my eyes didn't even close once. I just lay there for eight hours, spooning with my old friend, insomnia. I was the little spoon.
The entire contents of my life played out like a black and white silent film in my head as I curled into the foetal position; my bizarre childhood tainted with frequent moving, divorces, bullying and imaginary friends. I saw myself change into a teenager who still acted out elaborate storylines with his G.I. Joes when all the other boys had become obsessed with video games and boobs. Then I remembered how the boobs eventually caught up to me and I had my first crush with one of the most popular girls in class, and how she subsequently pulled down her pants and took a long crap on my young heart. After that came the obsession with music, literature and film, when I discovered that the truest friends you will ever have in your life are the artists who've touched you with their masterpieces. So I decided to become a collector of these works and surround myself with them. The university years came in flashes of hiding in campus toilet stalls shaking uncontrollably, unable to face the huge scary community I was suddenly a part of, and drug and alcohol fuelled parties, the only times when I felt comfortable with other people is when they were so tripped out they considered me 'normal'.
Then graduation. My teaching position. Getting fired for being experimental. Nervous breakdown. Frank!
And as the final reels of my life came to an end, the last few weeks played out in my head with the increased clarity of things that were still fresh in my mind, suddenly turning to full colour. My financial state, the interview, and then the unexpected phone call I had received early last week, when an effeminate voice from human resources sang "welcome to the intelicom family! See you next Sunday at 9am SHARP!"
As the credits were just beginning to roll, the loud buzzer sounded and brought me back to consciousness. My eyes, still wide open, began functioning again. Suddenly I realized that it was time to get up, that the room had become alive with sun rays coming from outside. I saw my suit hanging up on the rack. I felt myself begin to panic.
One devastatingly cold shower later, I was ready to put the suit on. As I slipped into the pants I realized something; due to my financial status in the past few weeks I had been limited in my dining options. Thankfully here in Egypt there is a miraculous dish called 'Koshary', which is basically all different kinds of carbs mixed into a giant plate, which is both filling and incredibly cheap. On the other hand, having that for the three meals of the day for the past few weeks had given me quite a belly, and this only became apparent when I strained like a bodybuilder while buttoning the suit pants. I searched all around for a belt to hide the obvious bulge that had now been created, but it seemed to have joined the dozens of other socks and underwear that magically disappear from your wardrobe into a black hole to narnia.
The taxi ride was going well and as I glanced at my watch I was comforted by the fact that I was making good time. Or so I thought. Because even though I was already halfway there and still early, the traffic in Cairo is, in fact, run by Satan from a little control room in hell. All of a sudden, he decides to send his forces of darkness after me; legions of black and white taxis, microbuses and school buses descend upon the streets out of nowhere, bridges and tunnels get closed off for no apparent reason, construction workers suddenly decide to renovate a big road that had absolutely NOTHING wrong with it...
I arrived 20 minutes late to my first day. Walking up the steps to the revolving door, I couldn't help but remember how my mother would always drop me late to my first day of school. Having to walk in and have everyone who had already turned up on time stare at you, apologize to the teacher, sit down uncomfortably and imagine you're in a happy place so as not to burst into tears.
I stood waiting for an elevator all alone; obviously all the other employees were already at their cubicles working hard. It arrived, I stepped in and pushed my floor number, but before the doors closed a beautiful, slender hand slipped in and they rushed back open, almost apologetic at their mistake of leaving someone behind. And then I saw her face. And like the song goes, now I'm a believer.
Though she jumped in quickly because she too was obviously late, in my mind she stood at the doors for an eternity, that frozen frame was the most beautiful picture I had ever seen. She had the kind of eyes that make you want to fall to your knees so as not to be on their level, jet black hair that twirled around into perfect curls and waves framing subtle but pretty facial features. God took his time on this one.
Suddenly I reconnected with reality. It was just the two of us going up; me...and this amazing creature, on two opposite ends of the little elevator. She stood silently, clutching her little handbag and staring up at the floor indicator. "Holy shit", the voice in my head shouted "stop staring at her man! You're staring!!" I immediately diverted my gaze to the floor. I felt like an idiot. From the time she walked in to the 5 th or 6 th floor I was absently staring and probably had the expression of someone with a mental disability. "Oh god...she's probably freaked out now" I worried. Then, out of the corner of my eye I felt her own gaze, smiling delicately, obviously having noticed my over zealous attention. But she didn't look troubled, she looked flattered and even...interested!
"I have to think of something to say" I thought, "and it's got to be cool and casual."
I didn't have much time left, her floor was approaching, so my mind darted frantically between retarded lines like "so...you come here often?" and "I haven't seen you around here before". Then I realized we were neither in a sleazy bar nor had I been here more than once. Something in me told me to go with a simple "hi, what's your name?" so I tried to catch her eyes and before I could say anything...Ping!!! We both heard the strange sound coming from the front of my pants. I looked down in time to see the button flying off my pants, striking the elevator door in front of me and crashing down to the ground. My belly had prevailed. I kept staring at the button on the floor with my mouth wide open in a twisted, horrified expression. The elevator door slid open at her floor and she scurried out, with me still staring in disbelief at the button on the ground...
When my floor came I was still in a stupor and with pants that were now slowly sliding down. I pressed the button to close the doors, pulled up my pants and tucked them away from sight by closing the blazer. The door suddenly opened again and I came face to face with my boss as he stood there waiting for the elevator, frozen in a position that made me look like I was just touching myself.
This was not good. I had to think quick.
So I decided to play it off like I had a stomach ache and that's why I was late. I walked out, explained about the stomach ache, shook his hand and followed him as he showed me to my cubicle, making sure to walk in a manner that prevented the pants from sliding down until I could find a permanent solution. So I obediently followed through the corridors and hallways, hunched over, arms clutched at my sides and knees slightly bent. I couldn't help but feel like Igor. "Yesssh Mashter..."
After what seemed like ages of walking through familiar looking hallways we finally reach an empty cubicle and he tells me to take a seat and he'll be right back. I sit down and survey my new home away from home. This is what I realized:
They had put me directly in front of the male toilet, with the door being a mere meter away from my face. To the left side of my cubicle was the water cooler. Right behind me was the printer for the entire department. I put my head in my hands as I imagined how terrible this would be when the day went into full swing. This would be my soundtrack: fishhhh (toilet flushing), brrrrrrr (water cooler filling), ripp hummm riiiiiiip (printer printing).
"Oh well" I thought, "I suppose it could be worse." They could have put me inside the toilet and made me sit on the printer.
"Hi, I'm Ahmed" came a voice from behind, the person who was sharing the other side of the cubicle with me. We shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. "You know you don't have to wear the jacket in here" he stated. "Oh...yeah, I know, it's just that I'm quite cold and have a stomach ache." "Would you like to turn up the temperature? I mean, it's hot already, but if you're cold..." I quickly declined as I was already beginning to sweat from the heat. He shrugged and turned back to work.
The following 9 hours passed by with the speed of a disabled slug, spent purely at my desk for fear of getting up, my blazer still rapped protectively around my torn pants, reading years of past material that I had been given. The lack of sleep caught up to me early on and I found myself reading the same page 5 and 6 times over by mistake. From time to time I found myself thinking about the angel I had encountered in the elevator, but then I'd remember the button disaster and would hold back the urge to scream. Would I ever see her again and perhaps redeem myself?
All of a sudden I noticed people were thinning out around me and the time to leave had arrived. As I began to gather my things off the desk, Ahmed passed by to say goodbye and introduce me to another person on the team. I stood up to shake hands and go through the motions of explaining what I do. He seemed to be quite interesting and we began discussing issues regarding the company and I was getting quite into it, feeling for the first time all day that I am a corporate man, chatting with fellow employees by the water cooler and what not. While talking I suddenly felt quite breezy...at about the same time I noticed both their gazes falling to my crotch...
