I walked up to the car that I had parked here hours earlier when I came to finish some essential government paper work. I was already suffering heavily from the insanity that is the Egyptian bureaucratic system for getting anything done. I had been passed around the government building like a new inmate in a prison cell, getting signatures, giving bribes and getting fondled by the rough hand of bureaucracy. Just as I was reaching for the door handle I noticed an angry bearded man approach me from out of the shop I was parked in front of. He was frowning and walking up with the kind of speed and determination of the evil terminator in Terminator 2. The following occurred:
Angry Bearded Shop Owner: 7aram 3aleek.
Me: Excuse me?
Angry Bearded Shop Owner: Don't you know you can't park here?
Me: No, I didn't
Angry Bearded Shop Owner: This is a car garage, how could you park in front of it?
Me: it was closed when I arrived, I didn't realize.
Angry Bearded Shop Owner: You made me lose work today.
Me: Well, I'm really sorry about that but I didn't know I couldn't park here
Angry Bearded Shop Owner: Why would you do that?
Me: Look, it's not like I did it on purpose
Angry Bearded Shop Owner: Do you think because you're a big shot you can step on me?
Me: Obviously not, but how could I...
Angry Bearded Shop Owner: Didn't you see the sign?
Me: What sign? Where is the sign?
Angry Bearded Shop Owner: Why would you do that?
Me: No wait a second, what sign? There is no sign!
Angry Bearded Shop Owner: 7aram 3aleik.
Me: but there is no...
Angry Bearded Shop Owner: 7aram 3aleik...
(Just in case you misunderstood, by 'angry bearded shop owner' I mean an angry shop owner who has a beard, not a shop owner who has an angry beard. That wouldn't make any sense.)
And off went the angry bearded man into his angry bearded shop, leaving me clutching my keys with my hands outstretched in a 'what the hell just happened' position. Even though I acknowledged the utter insanity of his rant, his shenanigan actually left me feeling horrible about myself and oozing with guilt. I started thinking, "Yeah, why did I park here? I mean, I could have guessed this was a work place. Now the poor bearded man lost work. Why would I do that? And I didn't even see the invisible sign. 7aram 3alaya..."
Suddenly a very unjust part of me regretted running into Mr. Khalil, the only neighbour who doesn't call me 'el magnoon' (the psycho), on the stairs today. I told him that I had to make the long journey downtown in a cab and he very kindly offered to give me his car for the day, knowing that the taxi ride would cost me a fortune and I'm currently without steady income. Then I was suddenly thankful for not getting him a parking ticket or having the angry bearded man break the windshield in a fit of (slightly) extra insanity.
As I drove off to begin the long journey home I tried to clear my head and just hope to get back to the safety of my own home as quickly as possible. Today was one of those rare days where I wasn't home when Frank usually arrives with a message, so I had a feeling of dread ever since I left, but unfortunately these things had to be done right away.
Only minutes later I found myself in the mother of all traffic jams, moving at the speed of a paraplegic snail. I can usually tolerate the frequent Cairo traffic since I'm sitting next to a taxi driver not worrying about moving every few seconds and usually just zone out and let my thoughts wander. But since I was driving this time I became very aware of how annoying it is and I especially took notice of my surroundings. After being stuck for a while around the same cars, you start to feel a bond growing and begin to study them all as if you're studying new room mates. The car to my left was obviously the first to grasp my attention, simply because the young spoiled douche bag who was driving had designed it that way; flashing ambulance lights blasting from the front of the car, blinding everyone temporarily every five seconds and a sound system so full of bass that it was slowly removing the stitching from my jeans.
Directly in front of me were two vehicles (yes, lanes don't exist here). The left one was a truck that had about 20 people standing in the back like cattle, obviously being transported to a village wedding or something because they were all singing and dancing joyously. This is one of those things that you must see to believe; a truck in the middle of a traffic jam, full of people tripping out like they're participating in Cairo 's first Love Parade, replacing hard trance with Shaaban Abd el Reheem. Incidentally, to its left was a 4x4 full of hot girls, who seemed to be returning from university and were trying their best to ignore the jeers and signalling coming from the over-zealous male passengers in the truck beside them. Not to mention that the asshole to my left had also suddenly decided to use his 'chick magnet' car to get their attention by flashing the lights more often and turning the music up. Sadly enough it seemed to be working, the girls were looking back at him and smiling.
As my gaze finally landed on the car to my right, I noticed that the old, distinguished looking business man was also looking around with the kind of surprised expression I had. He seemed to be religious because he had a seb7a hanging from his rear view mirror and a Koran in the back. Our eyes met and we both smiled politely and gave a 'Can you believe these lunatics?' gesture with our hands.
For a few minutes now, I had begun to notice a taxi drilling its way through the tight traffic in my rear view mirror, fitting itself through spaces between cars that directly violates all rules of physics. With every close pass or hit of someone else's side mirror he sticks his hand out of the window in an 'excuse me' gesture, almost as if the matter was out of his hands. Slowly but surely he kept moving forward until he finally wedged himself between me and the businessman to my left and we both immediately shot each other worried glances. He was so close I could feel his breath on the back of my neck, and I knew that any slight motion from the three of us would cause a hit. When that light turns green all hell will break loose.
And it did. The minute it opened the taxi sprung into motion and bitch slapped both my side mirror and the business man's. Surely enough he stuck out his hand to apologize and disappeared away. Despite feeling intense anger I had already prepared myself for that possibility and just took a few deep breaths, but I looked over and saw the businessman's face turn bright red and he sprung into motion after the taxi.
Interestingly, as everyone else began to move (most frantically the schmuck on the left as he tried to quickly get close to the car full of girls), I didn't, simply because the truck in front of me didn't. I slowly moved to the side of it and noticed that the truck couldn't start and the driver went out to check the engine. The people in the back continued obliviously dancing and singing as thousands honked their horns behind them.
Five minutes up the road I noticed the 'chick magnet' car was parked to the side in front of the 4x4. They were exchanging numbers...Ten minutes later I hit another traffic jam that seemed to be because of an accident since there was no traffic light in that particular area. As I slowly approached the site of the problem I naturally slowed down like every other Egyptian to watch someone else's misery. Of course, I was blown away by what I saw. Apparently the businessman had cut off the taxi driver to force him to stop and they had crashed into each other. At the point I was passing, the businessman had the taxi driver in a chokehold and was repeatedly banging his head on the boot of his own taxi, despite everyone who was trying to intervene.
I laughed hysterically and drove as fast as I could to the safety of my building. I went up, apologized to Mr. Khalil about the side window and promised to pay him back. He didn't give me a hard time but there's no way in hell he'll offer to give me the car again...but that's fine with me! I opened my front door and almost fell to the ground to kiss it; it felt great to be back home! I went to the window and noticed that Frank had come while I was away and left me his message sitting there.
It said: "Take a taxi."
