One month had passed.
A whole
month...
My disastrous first day
had left me even more paranoid than I initially was, so I made a concrete
decision to remain invisible and observe my surroundings before trying to make
any kind of presence known outside my tiny cubicle. For the following weeks I
was a corporate ghost, studying everything that was happening around me.
Sometimes I couldn't help but feel like a bad spy from an old Egyptian movie,
watching his victims through a hole in the newspaper he held in front of
him.
What I learned shocked
me. Coming in, I had all these expectations of how a corporation functioned;
professionalism and adulthood would be two key words to describe them. Yet
contrary to what I had assumed; office life bears a striking resemblance to high
school...
All the main social
groups remain intact. The jocks became the commercial department, walking around
in tightly knit packs with ultimate arrogance since, once again, they're
responsible for the most important part of the institution (in their minds at
least). They still have their fancy clothes, their private groups, private
jokes, private getaways; they're still living in their own designer assholes.
The rest of the popular kids, who were too pretty to play sports, got into PR
and advertising, as it gives them the same freedom to do the two most important
things to them; bullshit and look good.
The dorky wannabes became
the Human Resources department, taking a job which mainly consists of being
close to and taking care of the popular group, the equivalent of switching
classes just to be with the cool kids and have a better chance at them getting
to know your name and maybe, just maybe, getting invited to a birthday party out
of pity. Now the popular kids find a kind of sick amusement at these hideous
outsiders desperate to join their circle, yet occasionally allow some of them
in...only because they might need them to cheat on a test at some
point.
Though the nerds got
scattered across departments, the majority of them ended up in, you guessed it,
IT applications & software. They are still at the very anus of the social
ladder, gossiping about the latest hardware and encryption algorithms as they
push up their thick glasses, and everyone else still wishes they would hang
themselves with their mouse chords.
Yet oddly enough their
evil twin brother, IT Support, became bully heaven. The same lugs who would give
you nookies and wedgies every now and then actually
have the authority to monitor and molest your computer at will...and they love
it.
On the other hand, some
things have flipped entirely; it's actually cool to be religious now. Groups
gather and disappear into the prayer room like they were sneaking off to smoke a
joint behind the school. I found it all quite bizarre, for to be clogs in a
money making capitalist machine such as this doesn't seem like the most holy of
occupations...yet it was still 'beard and zebeeba
heaven'. Most of my managers would not seem out of place in an Al Qaeda video.
There is one in particular that looks eerily like Ayman El Zawahry, the only
difference is...well, I guess they're both terrorists in a way. Still, I can
clearly imagine him in one of those grainy videos that eventually get posted on
YouTube after an attack:
"In the name of the
money, the ego and the holy stock market. It has been foretold by
our lord and CEO that these are troubling times and that faith is
dwindling...among our shareholders. Fear not, oh sons of capitalism, for we can
assure you that we are the soldiers of the free market and our particular
industry sector. We, who have been called upon to lead you in the divine ways,
can assure you that we will put the wrath of the almighty in our competing
corporations, for it has been said that when the voice of the faithful becomes
loud enough we can move mountains...and make their stocks drop drastically in the
next quarter. I call on all ye faithful to rejoice with
your brothers and we shall ultimately conquer all those who mock our faith in
the upcoming merger, which will increase our net assets and glorify our
international presence. Amen."
Now the final player in
this admittedly overdrawn comparison is Marwa; the
chubby, rosy cheeked, red haired receptionist. She is the pulsating, throbbing
heart that is responsible for spewing hot gossip and rumours throughout the
veins of each department around the company. Every single employee passes by at
some point to get their daily fix. I'm quite sure that if she leaves the entire
empire, which took 30 years to build, would crumble within
days.
I know this now. But I
didn't know it then. After a whole month of brilliant amateur detective work, my
invisibility shield suddenly switched off one dreaded day...because I failed to
foresee the true power of Marwa.
I had gone out to sign
some recruitment documents she had for me out in the reception, things
pertaining to my hiring that had been delayed in the clogged pores of Human
Resources, who must have been more concerned with the welcome party of some new
hotshot. As soon as I entered the reception she began talking at 100 words a
second, all about how her day was going, how other peoples day was going, how
she thought my day must be going, etc. At some point I felt I was beginning to
get suicidal thoughts as I watched her jowls flapping, so I politely but firmly
asked for the documents to sign. She paused for a second, handed me the papers
and then continued with her verbal diarrhoea, unphased.
As I was signing them, a
familiar scent suddenly invaded my nostrils, and it's only when I felt my heart
melt and Marwa's ranting go to mute that I remembered
the angel I had encountered in the elevator on my first day. The 'pant button
malfunction' had destroyed any hopes I had with her, yet I still felt my knees
go weak whenever I spotted her in the lobby. And I didn't even know her name
yet, which was driving me crazy...
I turned just in time to
see her float by. She waved to Marwa and walked away
down one of the halls. Marwa's rant came back into my
consciousness at full volume. This was my chance and regretfully I seized it.
I held up my hand to
interrupt her and ask "Hey...who was that girl?"
As soon as the words left
my mouth, her eyes lit up and her smile widened until I felt her face would rip
in half; she could literally smell the hot topic of potential
gossip.
"Why?" she sneakily
enquired.
"Nothing, I was just
wondering..." I tried to reply as nonchalantly as possible.
She shifted her weight
and leaned forward. "Well her name is Maya, she works in accounting" she
replied.
I returned my attention
to the documents as if it didn't even matter to me, then said "oh, okay". I
looked back up when I felt her heated gaze, studying me.
"Do you...like her? She's
single, you know" she cooed, her smile widening even
further.
"No, no, I was just
curious." I handed back the papers and immediately walked out awkwardly, feeling
a spot of heat forming on my back from her gaze that was obviously still focused
on me.
An hour later I was at my
cubicle frantically trying to finish the deadline of the day; a report about our
newest 'social responsibility' charity program had been written and it was
assigned to me to edit before it was sent out to the press. I hated these
assignments the most. Obviously things like this were no more than a calculated
attempt to put a cuddly caring face on the machine, why else would they make a
song and dance out of every alleged 'good deed'? I felt like Satan's grammar
bitch. But sometimes, just sometimes, I would leave some spelling mistakes in,
just out of spite. Take that, you evil bastards.
As my assignment neared
completion I felt a sudden presence next to me. I turned to find Hassan, from one of my neighbour cubicles, standing beside
me and smiling. Mind you, no one announces their presence here; they just come
and watch what you're doing on your computer until you notice them. I hate
that.
"Hi" I finally blurted,
"what can I do for you?"
"Oh, I'm just wondering
how everything is going."
"Everything is fine,
thank you."
"Settled in good? Happy with work?"
"Yeah, everything is
good."
He paused for a few
seconds, as if he had more to say, then after more smiles and nods he finally
spoke again.
"Hey, so...how are things
going with Maya?"
"What?"
"Well you guys are dating
right?"
"No! Who told you
that??"
"Oh come on, you can tell
me!"
"Listen...there's nothing
between us. Where did you hear this??"
"Uh...never mind, I must be
confused or something..."
"Yeah..."
I felt the anger build
up. I was shocked, but I immediately knew what had happened and the dreadful
error I had made an hour ago. I imagined myself pummelling Marwa with a big hammer.
Hassan still
remained by my side, feeling the tension that had been
created.
"Well, listen, we're
going to go pray now..."
"Okay, take
care..."
"Well...let's
go!"
"Um...no
thanks."
Silence.
"What? Why not?"
Silence.
"Oh, you've already
prayed?"
"Um...no."
Silence.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were a Christian. Right?"
"Um...no."
He stared blankly at me
with a look of constipation on his face, unable to comprehend the situation,
then turned and walked off slowly.
I was now fuming. Until
that moment everyone seemed to just overlook me when prayer time came and I was
quite comfortable with this arrangement. I really didn't fancy explaining the
details of my agnosticism to anyone, not like they'd understand nor is it their
business anyway. But now this odd encounter had happened, taking me off guard.
My state of invisible bliss was quite obviously over.
I expected the rest of
the day to follow in the absurd footsteps of the first half, but I never
expected this. Groups of people chatting excitedly about something would
suddenly go horribly silent as I walk by. Any eye contact I have with someone resulted in a 'stink eye' that
immediately made me feel short and fat. At some point I noticed two bearded guys
talking and one of them actually pointed at me! I decided to stop moving around
and remain hidden in my cubicle for the rest of the day, praying for an
earthquake or tsunami.
I had arrived in my
nightmare, riding a donkey and wearing a t-shirt that says "freak".
Immense joy came over me
when I noticed that it was time to leave. I gathered my things quietly, kept my
eyes to the ground and scurried off to the elevator. A few people joined in from
some lower floors as it made its descent while I kept my head down and reflected
upon the horrors of the day. It just couldn't get any worse. Then I overheard a
whispered conversation from the two guys who had just come in, standing in front
of me...
Guy1: Hey, did you hear
about that new guy in the editing department?
Guy2: Oh yeah, I heard
he's weird.
Guy1: Dude, he's
Satanic!
Guy2: What? Are you
serious??
Guy1: Yeah, apparently
he's very open about it and practices rituals in the
bathroom.
Guy2: Wait...but I heard
he's getting engaged to Maya from accounting?!
Guy1: Not only that, but
apparently they're getting married only because she's
pregnant.
Guy2: Whoa...but, she's
such a sweet girl! How can she get involved with a bastard like
that??
Guy1: I guess he put a
Satanic spell on her. It's messed
up.
Guy2: Yeah it
is.
Guy1: Hey...are you
hungry?
Guy2: Yeah, let's go get
a sandwich or something.
